I've spent the last few days moving files from my almost-full laptop hard drive to my new external hard drive. Yesterday and today I've been moving and reorganizing pictures. Of course, I spent a lot of that time marvelling over how much my babies have grown. But I was also amazed at how many pictures there are of me holding Maddie when she was just a few months old. In all of them, I'm grinning ear to ear. Why shouldn't I be? It was a fabulous time. I had my precious and much-desired baby girl in my arms, I felt really good about the way I looked for the only time in my life, we were looking at buying our first home in just under a year. I look at these pictures and I remember how genuinely happy I was. It was awesome.
Yet, this is also during the time that I was crying myself to sleep every night. Things were starting to look up a bit, but they were still pretty bad. I had found ICAN by this point, but I was still traumatised. Chris and I were past talking about divorce, but it was still very tenuous.
I just can't help my amazement that I could be so genuinely happy and so genuinely miserable at the exact same time. The best time of my life and the worst all wrapped up together. It is an odd thing that people can manage to feel such extremes at the same time, while still keeping them, for the most part, separate. My sadness and pain rarely interfered with my ability to appreciate and even relish the good times. I'm so very grateful for that.