Telling Maddie

I've been stressing for awhile about how I was going to tell Maddie that she came via cesarean. She's been saying things like, "When I was a baby in your tummy and I got big, I came out of your birth canal." Each time it was like a little knife in my heart. Do the repercussions ever stop?

I knew I had to tell her, somehow, but I had no idea how to do it. I was a cesarean baby and it never seemed a big deal. I don't remember being told, or where I learned it. I want her to also have a sense of peace about it, just that it was and that's that. She's at a tender age though, and I was afraid she'd ask a lot of questions that I didn't think she was ready for the answers to.

I called my mom for advice, to find out how she told me, but she didn't remember ever having actually told me. She did give me some pretty good advice on easing into the information though, and I appreciated it.

So yesterday the moment came. We were watching one of my many "baby come out movies" and Maddie started talking again about how babies come out of birth canals and how when she was a baby she came out of my birth canal. I paused the movie, took a deep breath and just did it. I pulled up my shirt and showed her my scar.

"See this little line?"

Nodding

"When you came out of Mommy's tummy you didn't come out of my birth canal. You came out of that little line."

"Why?"

"We thought you were sick, so we wanted to get you out really fast. But once you were out, you were just fine."

"I commed out of that line?"

"Well, it wasn't a line when you came out. We thought you were sick, so the doctors made a little cut on Mama's tummy and got you out really fast. " She looked shocked and scared so I quickly added, "But it didn't hurt Mommy. Mama was fine."

"And I was fine after I was out?"

"Yes, honey, you were fine."

"Emily commed out of your birth canal?"

"Emily came out of my birth canal, yes."

"And I commed out of the line."

"Yes."

It went back and forth like this for a few more minutes while she clarified some of the points in her head, then she asked if she could touch the scar, which I let her do. Then we put the movie back on. We haven't discussed it anymore, but I know we will. Maddie is like that. She'll mull it over in the back of her mind for a few more days and then bring it up again in her own time. I will wait for her. I just hope I did okay. I hope I didn't tell her too much or too little and scar her. What does one say to a four year old about matters as adult as a cesarean, anyway? It was a conversation I had been dreading since the day she arrived. Somehow I don't feel any better now that it's over.

Maddie's Drawing

Maddie is almost four and a half now. She understands the idea that there is a new baby in Mama's tummy and that when it gets big enough, it will come out. When asked where babies come from, her usual reply is "Tummies and uteruses and birth canals."

I know this. But I was still somehow unprepared to get this drawing today of "Mama with the new baby commin' out."

Announcing...

okay, the video doesn't want to embed. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMaUa-WxHv8

This is a little video I made to share the news with our family that we are having a new baby!! I am due at the end of February again! I haven't been as sick this time around thankfully. Some nausea and lots of tiredness, but nothing too bad. I do need to get to the chiropractor soon though, as I can feel a bit of sciatica creeping up on me. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted about my pregnancy as it progresses.

Been a long time...

Wow, its been awhile since I updated. Not because there was nothing going on, but because there is too much! I have been very busy with my AAMI classes. Since I last wrote, here's what happened:

~I got completely enrolled and was sent the Phase 1 assignments.
~I was offered their Introduction to Midwifery class for a steal, so I took it.
~I spent six months completing ITM (its a LOT of work!) and sent it in at the end of May. It is a great course. If birth or midwifery is something you are even remotely interested in, I recommend you take this course.
~I was also doing the Phase 1 assignments and I sent in my request to be sent Phase 2 on the same day I sent in my ITM assignments. Woohoo!
~I received my Phase 2 assignments and information yesterday and have been getting organised and ready to start! I'm so excited to be getting to the next step.

I'd love to give more detailed information, but I don't want to violate any copyrights or other such stuff. AAMI is a touch paranoid about having non-students get access to the course material. Of course, if I poured my heart and soul into something and people were stealing my work, I'd be paranoid about it too! So I understand their concern.

I'm also thinking more and more about an apprenticeship, even though it really isn't feasible right now. I REALLY want to start apprenticing! One of these days, I'd also like to take an internship trip somewhere that I can get experience in a higher-volume birth center. A friend of mine is getting ready to go to the Philipines on a trip like this in a few weeks. I just hope she blogs it so I can live vicariously!

At any rate, I am loving my classes, and I am learning more than I would have expected by this point. I'm busy, busy, busy working on all the assignments, but it feels like "me time" instead of work. Hopefully I'll remember to update again sooner than six months.

Video: VBAmultipleC

Video: Empty

Video: Question CPD

Enrolled

My enrollment process for AAMI has begun!! I got the Email this morning! I'm still not sure what all I have to do to get completely set up, it seems to be a follow-this-step-and-then-we'll-tell-you-what-the-next-one-is sort of thing. But I'm started! And I'm so happy!

Anxious

I sent out my application and payment for Ancient Art a few days ago. I am really anxious to hear back. I guess now I probably have to wait until at least Monday. Agghhh! I am far from patient on the best days; this is making me crazy!

Another Dream

In my dream Emily is only a few weeks old and is sleeping upstairs. Maddie is asleep in her room. I start having some uncomfortable stomach pains, so I head to the bathroom, thinking that is the problem. I barely get the door shut when a very intense pain drives me to my knees. I reach down and feel a baby crowning. I gently push and slowly guide the head out of my body with my hand. I can feel the damp softness of the baby's hair, and I can feel the baby both inside and outside of me. I give another small push and bring the baby up to my chest. She is a girl, and she doesn't utter a sound, but I can see she is breathing. I sit quickly, and feel her weight in my arms. Chris comes in the room and, like me, is shocked to see we have another baby. But I am too caught up in the exquisite perfectness of this birth to think about anything else.

The dream ended there. I had this dream a few weeks after Emily was born. I had nearly forgotten about it until about a week ago, when it resurfaced in my mind. What amazed me then, as now, was how vivid the dream was. I could feel the pain of the contractions, the stretching of my perineum. I could feel the downy softness of her head, and her legs as she left my body. I could smell the birth fluids. The tile floor felt cold under me. At the time, it helped me feel like I regained some of what I had lost when Emily was born in the hospital.

But the dream has come back. My mind cannot seem to let go of it. Even when my conscious mind is elsewhere, I can feel it playing on the edges of my subconscious. I have not yet caught what this dream is trying to teach me, but I felt compelled to share it.